Infertility
That one word still scares the shit outta me.
It makes me feel broken.
It makes me angry.
WHY?
Why am I not like the other girls who just look at their man and get preggo?
How come I have to take pills that fuck me up?
That put me on an emotional rollercoaster,
which I have to hide as best as I can from everyone
It's not like I can just talk about it. People just don't understand.
They make the "Oh, I understand" statements,
while nodding their heads.
You understand, really?
You get what it feels like to know you don't O on your own
That your fear is that you can't actually HAVE children
Unless they have been there I don't even bother talking about it.
I just don't go there.
When the "When are you going to have little ones?" question gets asked I laugh it off. Oh... in a couple years, when we are ready.
Or, we have a fur baby and she's all we need now.
Or, we will have one once we've paid down our bills.
I just want to say, well we are trying but it just hasn't happened.
But that opens up a whole other can of worms that I just don't want to talk about with someone who isn't in my close circle.
(aka a stranger, or old acquaintance)
I have no idea if this makes any sense to you readers.
(yeah I have 3 now!)
I just had to get it out. I think holding it in is hurting me in the long run but I hate those fake nodders, or the sad faces that people give when I say anything about having trouble conceiving.
So here is a Fertility specific update
Months actively trying to conceive: 16 months 3 weeks
Medications tried: Clomid 50mg day 5-9 All BFN
Tests done: HSG - tubes open
Hubby's SA test was great
CD 21 Blood work
What's going on right now
CD1 - is today
CD3 - Blood work and starting 100mg Clomid
BD as much as we can (when we are together)
CD21 again - to see if 100mg has actually made me 'O'
That is all for now
That one word still scares the shit outta me.
It makes me feel broken.
It makes me angry.
WHY?
Why am I not like the other girls who just look at their man and get preggo?
How come I have to take pills that fuck me up?
That put me on an emotional rollercoaster,
which I have to hide as best as I can from everyone
It's not like I can just talk about it. People just don't understand.
They make the "Oh, I understand" statements,
while nodding their heads.
You understand, really?
You get what it feels like to know you don't O on your own
That your fear is that you can't actually HAVE children
Unless they have been there I don't even bother talking about it.
I just don't go there.
When the "When are you going to have little ones?" question gets asked I laugh it off. Oh... in a couple years, when we are ready.
Or, we have a fur baby and she's all we need now.
Or, we will have one once we've paid down our bills.
I just want to say, well we are trying but it just hasn't happened.
But that opens up a whole other can of worms that I just don't want to talk about with someone who isn't in my close circle.
(aka a stranger, or old acquaintance)
I have no idea if this makes any sense to you readers.
(yeah I have 3 now!)
I just had to get it out. I think holding it in is hurting me in the long run but I hate those fake nodders, or the sad faces that people give when I say anything about having trouble conceiving.
So here is a Fertility specific update
Months actively trying to conceive: 16 months 3 weeks
Medications tried: Clomid 50mg day 5-9 All BFN
Tests done: HSG - tubes open
Hubby's SA test was great
CD 21 Blood work
What's going on right now
CD1 - is today
CD3 - Blood work and starting 100mg Clomid
BD as much as we can (when we are together)
CD21 again - to see if 100mg has actually made me 'O'
That is all for now
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